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Why We Fix, Why We Please, and How to Stop
- Bryna Sisk
- Apr 18
- 6 min read
Yesterday, I wrote about being an "observer without authority" and I touched on being a "fixer" and a "people pleaser." I also, posted a separate blog about how I spent years with a deep need to "earn" my place with friends and family—opening my home to over-night houseguests here on vacation, flying friends places in my airplane, always picking up the tab, hosting the parties, gift giving and over-delivering until I hit a wall. The response from you all was overwhelming. It seems many of us are carrying the heavy pack of the Fixer and the People Pleaser.
But where did this pack come from? And why is it so hard to set down?
1. The Origin Story: How the Fixer is Created
We aren't born with a need to fix everything; we are trained for it. This behavior is almost always a survival strategy developed in childhood. It often stems from these things or a combination of these things:
The Unpredictable Environment: If you grew up in a home with "eggshells"—divorce conflict, (think volatile step-siblings and/or volatility from mom or dad's new relationships), addiction and/or substance use, mental health struggles, or other high conflict like violence and abuse—you learned early that your safety depended on your ability to read the room. You became a "Lead Scout" at age seven, spotting trouble before it arrived and doing everything in your power to avoid it or fix it when you could.
Parentification: Many fixers were children who had to care for their parents’ emotional, financial or physical needs. You learned that your value was tied to your utility. If you were helpful, you were safe.
Conditional Love: If praise only came for "doing" (good grades, perfect chores, winning) rather than "being," you wired your brain to believe that love is a transaction you must constantly fund.
2. The End Game: What are we solving for?
We tell ourselves we fix things because we are "kind," "good at it," or "competent." But the "Observer" truth is deeper: We fix to manage our own anxiety.
Control: When things are messy (like a loved one's decline, a spouse with their own set of anxiety, issues or mood swings, or a friend’s drama), it feels chaotic. Fixing is a way to grab the yoke and stabilize the plane so we don't have to feel the turbulence. Think of it as a form of "numbing" because it most certainly is—and remember you learned to numb in this way from a very young age.
The Shield: If I am the one providing the solution, no one can look too closely at my own vulnerabilities. My "utility" is a barrier that keeps people at a safe distance.
End Game: The goal isn't actually to help the other person; it’s to make the uncomfortable feeling go away for us. So remind yourself of this especially! You aren't being helpful to others with this behavior, rather, you are doing everything you can to numb the situation to make it stop bothering YOU!
3. Recognizing the Traits and Moving Away
You know you’re in the "Fixer" loop when:
You offer advice before being asked.
You feel resentful after helping someone (this is the "debt" you feel they owe you).
You feel resentful or diminished when others don't take your advice like it's a personal affront to you or a sign of rejection.
You feel a physical "itch" to jump in when someone is struggling.
The "Fixer" itch is a powerful, physical impulse to intervene, fueled by the underlying belief that your worth is tied directly to your utility. However, over-delivering creates a cycle of learned helplessness. By doing everything—from booking flights and handling bills to managing appointments, grocery shopping, and daily chores—you unintentionally program those around you to under-function.
You become the default setting for tasks they are perfectly capable of handling. When you take over the yoke so completely, the people in your life eventually stop checking the instruments. They aren't lazy; they’ve simply been trained to believe that their participation isn't required. You have moved from being a partner to being a service provider, and the cost is your own exhaustion.
The "Why": What is the Fixer actually solving?
If this cycle is so exhausting, why do we keep doing it? It’s because the "utility" serves a secret purpose for the Fixer:
Managing Internal Anxiety: When we see someone "failing" at a task or moving too slowly, it creates a spike of anxiety in us. Jumping in to do it "right" (or faster) is actually a way to soothe our own nerves. We aren't solving their problem; we are solving our discomfort.
The Hit of Indispensability: There is a powerful, almost addictive "hit" that comes from being the only one who knows where the passports are, what bills are due and when, how to fix the Wi-Fi, or what the 4 AM protocol is. If we are indispensable, we feel safe from rejection.
Identity Theft: This is the hard truth of the Fixer role. When we do for others what they can and should do for themselves, we are essentially stealing their "adulthood" to feed our need to be needed. We trade their competence for our control.
How to move away:
The 24-Hour Rule: When you see a "problem," wait 24 hours before offering help. See if the person can solve it themselves.
Observation without Authority: Practice watching a mess happen without reaching for a broom. Your only job is to witness, not to handle.
Reclaiming Your Space: Learn that your presence is a "gift," not a "service." If you aren't doing anything, you are still enough.
4. The Trap of JADE: Stop Negotiating Your Boundaries
When we finally try to set a boundary, we often fall into the trap of JADE. This acronym stands for:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
When you JADE, you are treating your boundary like a suggestion that needs the other person’s approval (Vicky, pay attention here). For example: "I can't go to the grief meeting because I stayed up all night and I have a headache and I'm super tired and I really need to catch up on X.....and.....Y......and Z." The Fix: You are giving them "ammunition" to talk you out of your need.
The Strategy: Be a "Broken Record." State the boundary and stop talking.
"I’m not able to go today. I need the rest." If they push, repeat the same sentence. You don’t need to earn your "no" with a long resume of excuses. It's just not necessary and frankly, it's not productive. I tell my mom (and myself), "Boundaries are very short sentences with a period at the end. They don't require long excuses or explanations."
The Lead Scout’s Final Word
Recovery isn't just about what we stop consuming; it's about what we stop producing. If you are producing endless solutions for people who haven't asked for them, you are burning fuel you need for your own trail.
We often think that if we stop doing everything, the people we love will suffer. But the reality is often the opposite. When I finally said "no" to a day of hosting and logistics, I didn't leave a void—I left an opportunity.
By staying behind, I allowed my husband to step into the lead. He packed the bags, he made the plan, and he handled the day. And you know what? They had a great time. They didn't just survive without my "utility"; they thrived.
When you stop "fixing," you aren't being selfish. You are finally giving the people in your life the room they need to grow, to try, and to succeed on their own. You are moving from the Handler to the Partner.
Put the pack down. Let the silence be a bit loud. You'll find that the people who belong in your circle don't need you to fix them—they just want you to walk beside them.
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