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The Quiet Power of Observation Without Authority
- Bryna Sisk
- 2 hours ago
- 5 min read
I’ve spent most of my life being the person who gets things done. If there was a problem, I fixed it. If a situation was moving too slowly, I pushed it forward. I value results, efficiency, and clarity.
But lately, life has asked me to take a different role: The Observer.
Whether it’s watching my father-in-law navigate the deepening confusion of dementia, or sitting with a friend who is in a toxic relationship but isn't ready to make a change, I’ve had to learn a difficult new skill. I call it Observation without Authority. It is the practice of being a steady presence in someone’s life without trying to seize control of their steering wheel. And, trust me, this is a very difficult shift for me. Maybe you can relate?
The Shadow Side: The "Fixer" and the People-Pleaser
For many of us, the drive to be a "Fixer" isn't just about being capable—it’s a deeply ingrained personality trait often tied to people-pleasing. We tell ourselves we are being helpful, but if we look closer, we realize we are trying to manage our own anxiety by making sure everyone around us is "happy."
When we see a loved one struggling, it creates an internal "static" that we can't stand. We jump in to fix their problems not just for their sake, but to quiet our own discomfort. We sacrifice our own peace and happiness to maintain a surface-level harmony in the room. I’ve learned the hard way that you cannot anchor someone else’s ship if you are drowning in the effort to keep them afloat. Learning to observe instead of fix is, at its core, an act of self-preservation.
The "Observer" Scenarios: When We Want to Intervene
We all face moments where our internal Fixer wants to take over. It usually happens when we see someone we love making a choice we know will hurt them:
The Adult Child: Watching them take, or leave, a job or enter a situation making decisions you know will negatively impact their future.
The Struggling Friend: Seeing a friend stay in a toxic relationship, knowing they deserve better but realizing they aren't ready to leave.
The Disordered Behavior: Noticing a friend or family member lost in a "loop" of shopping/junk materialism, incessant gossiping, substance/alcohol use, or endless scrolling—behaviors used to numb the pain that you can see clearly, even if they can't.
How to Be an Observer Without Authority
If we aren't "fixing," what are we doing? We are practicing Active Standing-By. Here are the protocols for being a high-level support person:
1. Gather the Data (For Your Eyes Only)
Instead of reacting, simply notice. Notice when dad is wandering the house (or outside) at 4:00 AM, when someone hasn't bathed in days, the patterns of a toxic partner, the repeated "sick" days and call-outs to work, the growing clutter or delivery boxes piling up at a friend's house, the stack of unopened mail on the counter or empty bottles piled in the recycling bin or when someone is purposefully isolating or breaking plans. By keeping a mental log without judgment, you stay calm. You aren't "panicking" with them; you are keeping a clear head for when the fog eventually lifts.
2. Offer "Soft" Reflections
Rather than telling someone what to do (my initial first response), reflect what you see in a way that leaves the power with them.
On Toxic Relationships:
Instead of: "You need to break up with him."
Try: "I've noticed you seem really drained lately after your time together. I'm here if you ever want to talk about how you're feeling."
On Disordered Behaviors (Shopping/Scrolling/Numbing):
Instead of: "You're spending too much money/time on your phone."
Try: "I've noticed you’ve been reaching for your phone more often when things get stressful. It makes sense that you’re looking for a distraction; I’m here if you need a real break."
On Adult Children's Choices:
Instead of: "You're making a huge mistake."
Try: "I can see how much you’re weighing this decision. It looks like a big commitment—how are you feeling about the balance of it all?"
On Caregiving/Health Decline:
Instead of: "You can't keep living like this; you need help."
Try: "I’ve noticed that the 4:00 AM routines and confusion are becoming much more frequent. It looks like a lot to carry alone. What would support look like for you right now?"
On Grief:
Instead of: "You need to get out of the house and move on."
Try: "I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time at home alone in the quiet lately. I’m happy to sit at home with you, or we can go for a walk whenever you’re ready."
3. Protect the Perimeter, Not the Outcome
You can't control whether someone stops drinking or leaves a bad situation, decides to get out of the house or be in service to others. But, you can control the environment you provide. Be the "safe house." Be the person who doesn't lecture, but who is always ready with a quiet room or a listening ear. Again, this is a BIG shift for me and one I am practicing more and more these days. If you are a "people pleaser" and/or a "fixer" like me, this is a trait you will have to consciously practice over and over until you get it right.
4. Wait for the "Ask"
The Observer waits for the person to look up and say, "I’m lost. What do you think?" When you wait for the ask, your insight isn't seen as an attack; it’s seen as a lifeline.
The Hardest Downshift
For those of us who have spent a lifetime in the driver's seat, letting go of the wheel is the ultimate challenge. It feels "wrong" to sit still while someone we love is struggling. But there is a quiet grace in realizing that people—even those lost in the fog of aging, disordered behaviors, or grief—have a right to their own timing.
Our job isn’t to force the sun to come up any faster. Our job is to keep the lights on in the driveway so they don't trip and fall and can see where they are going when they are finally ready to move forward.
A 4:52 AM Reflection
As I sit here at my kitchen island, cup of coffee in hand, watching the automatic outside lights in the driveway go on and off and listening to the basement door open and close, I realize that being the "Observer" is the most honest way I can love my family today. I am not a decision-maker; I am a witness. And sometimes, being a witness is the most powerful thing you can be.
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